warning....this post isn't the most uplifting.

this holiday season wasn't what i expected it to be. i don't know what i expected but it just didn't happen. i had grand plans of "thinking of others" but it just didnt happen the way i wanted it to. thanksgiving was a mix of good and not so good. i loved cooking the dressing and ham but i didn't love other things that happened on that day. but it ended up good. then the christmas season came. we put up the tree and i put out other decorations but i didn't set my village out until the week before christmas. brian usually puts lights up outside but i ended up attempting to put some on the porch but half of them went out and they werent fixed so we didn't plug them in after the second time. something really great that we thought was going to happen didn't and that really set the tone. the christmas boxes turned out really cute. the postman loved his. but mattie ended up getting sick and the goodies we had fixed for her class....took 3 hrs to make....didn't get passed out. the little homemade ornaments didn't get passed out to her class. she missed her class fun days. since she got sick the bus didn't stop by our house and we didn't get to give the bus driver her box. we had two christmas's w/ brians family. one w/ his dad and one w his mom. still can't get used to that. i made cinnamon rolls that were intended for the neighbors. it got crazy around here and i didn't get them passed out. i did take some to my parents house and mom took some to work. then mom, mattie, ryder, and i passed out two pans to my parents neighbors. so that was good. mom had the house decorated really cute w/ old homemade christmas decor connie and i had made in our elementary years framed and set out through the house. so that made it special. christmas eve was good. then christmas day came. the morning was great. when i woke up that morning i new something wasn't right. then i progressively got worse through the day. i didn't get to help mom and connie in the kitchen. and the worse part was i didn't get to go to my grandaddy's for our big christmas family get together that night. dad stayed home w/ me. i was so nausiated i couldn't even talk to my dad much. i was so looking forward to seeing my cousins and uncles and family....especially since this was the first time i'd see them since steven's death. i knew it was going to be tough on my family and really wanted to be there. michael and danny called me which i loved that!!! but it still hurt that i wasn't there. they had a tough time. stevens wife and step-daughters were there and of course had a tough time. danny called again later that night and his mom - our "aunt" - wanted to see connie and i and our kids but we just couldn't do it. there's a lot of hard feelings w/ her and what she did when they were growing up. i pray to God danny isn't mad but we just couldn't do it. anyway, i started feeling better the next day and we went to the mall and ate at roadhouse as a family. then we rushed home saturday and i crammed in a surprise bday party for brian...which was great. our friends..chris and tori pace and their kiddos got to come...and had a great turn out from church. the youth parents and some friends really helped me so much w/ the party. then we headed to colorado and had a good time skiing. and now we're back. and mattie has swimmer's ear and she's in a lot of pain. her ear is stopped up and that really irritates her. my mominlaw cleaned the kitchen and living room up while we were gone so that was great to come home to a clean house....well at least those two rooms. brian took down the christmas tree last night which irritated me. but he says he doesn't pay any attention to me after 10pm i get delirious and mean. now i have to get busy on the other rooms. but i just don't have it in me. not right now.

connie i'm trying to fly but my wings are stuck in neutral. come to my rescue.